somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
