you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
