Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
