Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
