Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
