Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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