since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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