You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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