Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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