Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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