I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
