I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
