When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize