I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Bring me that man meat
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
