i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
