he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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