I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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