Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
