so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
