I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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