I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
