Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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