Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
