Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
