My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
