i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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