Your face is a jimmy john
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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