She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
