Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Bring me that man meat
Randomize
