I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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