remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
