im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
