carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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