My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
