Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
