I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
