The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
