He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
