i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
