This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
