he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
