omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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