wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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