Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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