my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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