I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
