dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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