Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
