Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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