Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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