I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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