It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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