I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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