did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
