The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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