I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
