I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
