I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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